We Are a House Divided

I’m sure most of you read these posts and think, Well, if that’s the worst of it for them, things must be pretty awesome. But of course, no one tells the truth on social media, and the oldest true crime trope is, They were so normal and nice! Who could have guessed they would all wind up murdered? So I’m going to confess something here. The Laws are going through something. And many of you might also be going through something similar. We’re finding it very hard to pull together because there is a major fault line in our relationship, and everywhere I look, I see the same issue dividing the country. I am, of course, referring to Taylor Swift. And more specifically, I’m referring to Taylor’s newfound adoration of the Kansas City Chiefs because of her love for boyfriend Travis Kelce.

Taylor has always been a bit of a fault line for the Laws—the girls have been to every concert at Gillette Stadium, and the boys are not fans. The degree of “not fans” among the boys ranges from “irrational rage” (Grant) to “tired of her and willing to troll” (Graham) to “objectively great songwriter and performer, but just not my type” (me). As soon as news broke about Taylor dating Travis (very important we stay on first-name basis here, as though we are a trusted tabloid connected to what’s really happening), Grant and Graham were all over the breakup songs that she would be writing. As she showed up at games, Grant grabbed just about every troll screenshot of her and sent them to me, Graham, the Goons, etc. As we headed into Conference Championship weekend, Grant and Graham joined the legions of fans who bypassed God and prayed straight to Lamar Jackson to save us from a “Taylor Swift Super Bowl.”

It got so bad in the Goons that Lucia demanded a cessation to all trolling related to Taylor Swift. As the Alleged Titular Head of the House, I moved that the sentiment be enacted as law, Lauren seconded, and Dobby agreed, so it was written and it was done. Meanwhile, Grant and Graham carried on their own swapping of memes while Lucia and Lindsay continued to discuss with Mom and me the irrationality of Grant’s “hot takes.” An unsettled peace prevailed as we watched Lindsay wrestle this weekend.

But then God, who makes it clear in the Bible that He is jealous and also prone to bouts of hellfire and destruction, rained down on the Ravens in Baltimore, both literally and figuratively, and smote Lamar Jackson, revealing him to be a false god, while He, the Lord Almighty, smiled upon His servant Andy Reid (member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, btw). This was a rough time for Grant, especially. Despairing texts flooded into me as the game wore on and all throughout Lindsay’s matches. When it was over, Grant turned his attention to the 49er-Lions game. But not before he fired off a Taylor Swift hate text directly to Lucia who handled it with all the calm and grace one might expect in such a situation, meaning none at all.

At least if there was going to be a Taylor Swift Super Bowl, we could also have Eminem there. In fact, for a brief couple of hours, I thought how glorious it might be if Taylor and Em tossed Usher to the side at the Super Bowl Halftime and had a rap/song battle a la Eight Mile and Pitch Perfect. And here, the Lord Almighty showed even a darker sense of vengeance, allowing beleaguered Detroit to run out to a seventeen-point lead and permitting delirium to run wild across America, all before smiting the Lions for their hubris in thinking they could ever rise up.

Out of the ashes of yesterday’s disaster, Grant has arisen with links and text like this followed by notes like “Abominations” and this followed by notes like “This is going to be the worst Super Bowl of my life.” Meanwhile, the girls are pretty much like the little girls in that Instagram post that Grant thinks is abominable (may he and Katy be blessed with daughters first!). All of them continue to tell me all their arguments for and against Taylor and her role in football.

For me, though, I continue to wonder . . . why, O God, hast thou abandoned thy team, the Dallas Cowboys? But I think we know the answer to that, right? The old Texas stadium had an unfinished roof, and we Texans always said, “We left it open so God could look down on His team.” Well, Jerry Jones built a new stadium with a forever closed roof, and I don’t think God appreciates having to pay Roger Goodell for NFL Sunday Ticket.

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