Purple Heart Funeral

The man’s youngest son discovered Oversimplify on YouTube on his own around age eight, which made him an unlikely authority on eras of history that most people know little about. Now, he often says things like, “Can you believe people thought Czar Nicholas was so bad? Apparently, they haven’t heard of Leopold II of Belgium!”Continue reading “Purple Heart Funeral”

Why Don’t They Call it Lawyer Pibb?

What do you call two thousand lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? Progress. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a shark? The shark doesn’t charge you after eating you alive. What do you say to a drowning lawyer? I have no idea. Good! The young man’s dad is a lawyer. Dad laughs alongContinue reading “Why Don’t They Call it Lawyer Pibb?”

His Dad’s Final Joke

Stephen, Bob Bolster, Bill Settle, Jerry Kizerian, and the man stand over their father’s body. He is laid out on a metallic table and covered in a sheet. The temple clothes are folded next to him, and the man has a pair of garments to dress him in. Dad looks pasty and puffy, not reallyContinue reading “His Dad’s Final Joke”

His Son Is Trying to Kill Him

Their son does not like anything the man does for him. He hates having his diaper changed, cries like he is being killed. When the man goes to give the boy his first bath, the man’s mother in law insists, “Babies love their baths!” But Grant does not: he screams bloody murder through it. OnContinue reading “His Son Is Trying to Kill Him”

I Hope He Doesn’t Die

The boy lies in bed with his hands behind his head, while his father sits at the foot of the bed near his feet. The disappointment of pitching and losing the first of two possible clinching games has mostly passed. They will just have to clinch the championship Friday night instead, and while he can’tContinue reading “I Hope He Doesn’t Die”

Your Life Is a Mission

The stake president has released him from his mission. He removes his tag and tucks it in his pocket. “Could I have my dad give me a blessing?” “Sure,” says President Grande. His dad stands and places hands on his head. “Gordon Derby Laws, Jr., by the authority of the Melchizedek Priesthood, I lay myContinue reading “Your Life Is a Mission”

Haunted House

The man moves up the walkway to the front door and opens it. The door opens to a hall that connects to a dining room with a beat-up oval table. There’s one seat at the table and in that seat is his father. “What are you doing here?” “I don’t know. What are you doingContinue reading “Haunted House”

Ass-Face-Itis

The boy has been vomiting all day, and he’s had a touch of diarrhea at least once. It’s Christmas break, and his dad is off of work, so today, they watched Gone with the Wind and Patton, now they are about to start Ike. As Dad opens the Blockbuster rental box, he smiles and laughsContinue reading “Ass-Face-Itis”

The Night Before Christmas

The boy’s father is wearing a Santa Claus suit, beard, and hat. The boy and Stephen are walking up the sidewalk to the small stucco home in the old neighborhood of Corpus Christi. Their father carries presents in a red sack, and the boy and Stephen each carry an armful of presents. It is ChristmasContinue reading “The Night Before Christmas”

It’s Okay to Eat Fruit Cuz They Don’t Have Any Feelings

Pounder was a watermelon. He was minding his own business when a man came to the counter with a knife aimed at him. Pounder was angry. He rolled off the counter and landed on the man’s foot. The man yelled and dropped his knife. It stuck right into Pounder. He groaned and then died. TheContinue reading “It’s Okay to Eat Fruit Cuz They Don’t Have Any Feelings”