Modern Family used to be appointment viewing for Lauren and me—we frequently watched it and another show or two with friends, usually while sharing dinner. A number of its episode themes have become shorthand for us. For example, Lauren had occasion to say to me two weekends ago, “Did I just wedge salad you?” This refers to episode 16 of season 2 in which Phil hurts Claire’s feelings by taking her to dinner, then advising her to try the amazing wedge salad, which his coworker had just told him about. Naturally, Claire had been telling Phil for more than a year to try the wedge salad, and he had given it no thought.
On February 15, we helped Lu and Brayden move into their new place in Raynham. After Brayden and I finished up the heavy lifting, Lu and Lauren tasked us with a trip to Walmart and Lowe’s to pick up various household items. At Walmart, I found that Dr. Pepper had a new blackberry flavor and that Coke had a new orange cream flavor. I got Zero versions of both and joyfully sent a picture to the family, which prompted Lindsay to text back, “Those look scrumptious.”
A few days later, Lauren passed through the kitchen, saw me, and said, “The Dr. Pepper Blackberry Zero is amazing. But I just can’t quite bring myself to try the Coke Zero orange cream. There’s just something about it that weirds me out.”
“Well, per usual, you are wrong, but more for me, so okay.”
This past weekend, we traveled to East Stroudsburg, PA, to watch Lindsay wrestle in the Region 2 collegiate women’s championship tournament. The night before competition, we gathered in our hotel room with Lindsay. Carson and Carson’s mom, Carrie, came over from their hotel room. Carrie and Lauren have formed a mutual adoration society, so everything the other thinks is awesome must be adopted.
Carrie strolled in with a bottle of Coke Zero Orange Cream, sat on the bed across from Lauren, and said, “This is amazing. Have you tried it?”
Lauren, feigning total ignorance, said, “I haven’t.“
“You can try mine,” Carrie said and handed over her bottle.
Lauren took a swig from Carrie’s bottle . . . they might as well have just made out.
“Oh wow, that’s delicious!” Lauren said.
“WTAF!” I exclaimed.
“What?” said Lauren.
“I cannot believe that just f—ing happened.”
“Did I just wedge salad you?” Lauren said.
“I think you went way past wedge salad. It is not only the case that I might as well not exist, you might as well make out with Carrie in the process.”
Lauren just giggled, more words were exchanged, Lindsay interjected to say I was perhaps overreacting, Lauren asked Carson if he was uncomfortable.
We were able to put on a solid front for Lindsay as she competed the next day, got second, and advanced to the national tournament. But I’m not sure how many more hits like this our marriage can take.
It looks like I might need the extra money for the settlement, so do a guy a favor.
His Smile Lit Up a Room and Other Things to Say at My Funeral 