This Surgery Was Really About Me

These are the times that try men’s souls. And Lindsay’s soul. And Dobby’s soul. Especially Dobby’s soul. Here we see Dobby bravely trying to overcome his PTSD from his grooming appointment. This picture is probably worth thousands of words, and I probably don’t need to tell you anymore how rough his grooming appointment was.

Lindsay emerged from surgery at almost the exact same time as Dobby did from the groomer. Coming off of anesthesia and fentanyl, she was really groggy, and Lauren did the only thing she could do in such a situation—took lots of pictures and videos for all of us to mock. For example, there’s this.

That’s a two-watt smile, I’d say.

She also had amazing things hot takes, some of which are as follows.

“I love Carson so much, Mom. I miss him so much. I think I’m going to cry. I need to talk to him.”

“When I woke up, the pain in my knee was like an eight. But I didn’t cry because I’m a wrestler and wrestlers don’t cry.”

“Have you updated Carrie [Carson’s Mom] about me? I love Carrie soooo much. She is soooo good to me. I love you, too, Mom and I am so glad you’re my mom. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“The operating table was so thin I felt like a fat ass.”

“My dogs are out!” Your dogs? “Yes, my toes! Everyone calls toes dogs! You’re too old to know.”

“Why is my butt open?” Your butt is open? “My gown. It’s open. My butt is out.”

Lucia: Ask her about Dobby. I need some quotes about Dobby. “He’s my best friend but he hates me. But he’s my best friend. He put his butt in my face last night but he also snuggled up to me for human warmth.” Human warmth? “Yeah, human warmth.”

“I’m hungry. They promised me a snack! Where’s my snack?”

Lauren is taking her back to school on Wednesday then staying with her the remainder of the week. This will afford Lindsay the chance to eat every food in the world, apparently, as she notes in this video.

Lauren got Carson on FaceTime, and Lindsay professed her undying love for him and also said a bunch of other things. With all the will he could muster, Carson remained straight-faced and did not laugh at her, but at the end of the conversation, he told her, “You know I’m going to tease you so badly about this, right?”

“Yeah, I know,” Lindsay said.

As time wore on, Lindsay’s senses returned, and her smile got back to normal, as you can see here.

Naturally, in all of this, with this shower of love and adoration for Mom, Carson, Carrie, and Dobby, Lindsay forgot the most important potted plant in her life: her father. So of course, by the time they got home, Lauren had made up a story: “Lindsay also said in the hospital that you’re a great dad and she really loves and appreciates you.”

I was putting dinner out (we got Cape Cod Pizza with a large Greek salad, if you wanted a follow up from the video). “Lauren, you literally made that up to try to make me feel better.”

“No, she really said that.”

“Yeah, I’m sure she did,” I said.

Lindsay sat in silence at the table providing zero backup or evidence for this story. She is home now, and the doctor provided her a video of the surgery itself. As a PA student, she is riveted and has watched it several times and forced her parents to watch it. I think this makes me a tremendous father. But who am I to say? At least Dobby appreciates me.

If you enjoy this, consider signing up to receive my free daily post. I recount the goings-on of the Laws in light-hearted fashion. It might be the one thing you read daily that makes you smile and think, “At least my life isn’t THAT.”