The Laws Take Some Ls

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. The week started with immense promise, as Lindsay came home for spring break, Lu and Brayden qualified for base housing, and Grant bought his first meat smoker. Then, it all went to hell.

First, I came home from a meeting to find Lindsay watching the Eras Tour on Disney+, and it turns out, Taylor claimed a new victim, I mean, fan—Dobby was riveted. I changed clothes, sat on the couch, and picked up Dobby. Lindsay captured this video of the two of us—check out his fixation and head tilting. This is how it was all evening apparently.

Sigh. Not my dog, too!

A bit later this week, Lindsay went to see an orthopedic surgeon. She has been hobbled since the season’s final tournament and convinced she needed surgery. She is regularly convinced she needs surgery, so we thought she would find great joy in learning she has a torn meniscus and needs surgery this Tuesday. She claims, though, she is sad. Naturally, this sent Lauren into a mild tailspin that I helped her pull out of.

Lauren: Think she will be okay? People die under anesthesia sometimes.

Gordon: She’s not going to die under anesthesia during an arthroscopic surgery. She’s far more likely to get a staph infection and lose her leg.

Lauren: Thanks. That helps.

Readers, if you too are suffering from irrational fears, message me privately and for a small fee, I will send you a personalized new fear to rid yourself of your irrational fear.

Meanwhile, in Hawaii, Lucia and Brayden got cleared for base housing, so they started shopping thrift shops for furniture and were thrilled with various of their finds. As a finance and accounting major, Lucia is precise and unyielding about paying her bills. She wants to build her credit and believes that to do so she must pay off her credit card fifteen minutes after she charges something. She called us in a panic this week because she had just paid her balance for the second time this month and the credit card company had not updated her balance. She had called said company who said to give it a couple days and all would be fine. As a deeply trusting soul, Lu of course assumed that her credit would be damaged and called us. Lauren assured her it was fine and advised her for the ninetieth time to pay her balance once a month. I’m sure she will take our advice just like all our children do.

Meanwhile, in Lewisburg, Grant had been fantasizing about smoking meat through the winter and felt this week was now the time. He bought an inexpensive tower smoker and announced his intention to smoke a brisket this weekend. For the uninitiated, this is roughly like getting your learner’s permit and deciding your first drive will be in a stock car on a 2.5-mile track with professionals. Even better, the outdoor temp when he made this attempt was 43, making this an even higher degree of difficulty—it is tough to generate and hold consistent heat in the cold. But as parents, we have tried to adopt a rule: advise your adult children on nothing unless they ask.

The questions started at roughly 7:30 am and ran through 4:30 pm, ranging from texts to calls to FaceTime to a total heating do-over. Near the end of the day, Grant sent us this pic.

Yes, readers, Grant burnt his hair off. He did manage to salvage some decent brisket.

Graham might be the most competitive of the kids. No one is allowed to achieve something without his trying to one-up. So as soon as Lindsay’s surgery was announced, Graham limped in from a six-mile run and declared himself crippled. He asked if Morton Hospital would consider BOGO surgeries. Spring track starts today, so he spent the week riding our spin bike to rehab and has declared himself ready. So you see, right? His injury was worse and he recovered faster. Winning!

Back in Hawaii, Brayden might have taken the biggest L of the week. It was culture night at BYU Hawaii, so Lu dragged him to that and did this to his head.

Bray, bro, you can say No. Healthy marriages have boundaries.

Back on the home front, Lindsay’s complicated relationship with Dobby is approaching its apex. This video is her week with him in six seconds.

So yeah, everyone took some L’s this week. But Tuesday is a huge day. Lindsay has her surgery; Lauren is going with her and on Wednesday will drive her back to Lock Haven. They will be roomies for the week so Lauren can be there when the staph infection sets in.

But no one will have it worse than Dobby on Tuesday. Why? No, not because his frenemy has surgery. He has an appointment with the groomer, and nothing, NOTHING, is worse than that.

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