No Marshmallow

We have had five pregnancies and four babies but neither of those for more than fifteen years. In fact, owing to Lauren’s type 1 diabetes and a discussion around how it should not always be on the woman to prevent pregnancy, a few years ago I saw the doctor for the procedure (which side note, guys, totally kills—roughly the ten most harrowing minutes of your life). So imagine my surprise when I am hiking in the woods with Dobby and get this text from Lauren: I bought a pregnancy test and it’s negative.

Which, ummmm . . . I mean, we did start getting home delivery from Porn Star Farms, so there is technically a milk man involved around here. But then this text came on its heels:

I guess it’s just menopause.

I wrote back:

Guess the milk man can relax.

Lauren: Exactly. There’s some sort of irony that you shouldn’t be able to get pregnant if you need reading glasses to read the test. Lol.

And if you’re saying, “Wow, Gordon, TMI,” try to keep in mind that Lauren bought said pregnancy test in front of our fifteen-year-old son. Lauren had brought Graham to Walmart to pick up a birthday present for his buddy Ben. You may remember that at Graham’s birthday Ben brought a spotted dick as a present. Apparently, Ben posts a lot on SnapChat about whether he should shave his peach fuzz mustache, so all the buddies agreed they were buying him a shaving kit. I have a feeling he has one already and, like certain members of this household, doesn’t use his, but Graham was on the hook for getting a portion of said kit. When they got to the pharmacy section, Lauren went for the pregnancy test, which happens to be on the aisle where you can find lubricants, vibrators, and the like, and Graham said, “Uh, this isn’t the shaving stuff, Mom.”

Even better, a few minutes later they ran into our old friend from youth soccer, John Conroy. Conroy being Conroy, when Lauren got up to self-checkout to pay, he started bellowing that she had cut him in line and that the Walmart lady shouldn’t do anything to help her.

Lauren did finally manage to get out the door and into the car where she said to Graham, “I bought a pregnancy test because I think I’m going through menopause. Do you know what that is?”

Graham rolled his eyes. “Yes, Moooommmm. I have seen the South Park episode where Cartman says Kyle must be going through menopause because he’s so grumpy.”

So congratulations to us on our great parenting all around and how freely we can discuss hard topics with our children.

Many years ago when Graham was four or five, Lauren and Graham were riding somewhere and Graham said, “Mom, I had a dream that there’s a spirt in heaven waiting to come to earth to join our family.”

Lauren got tense, fearful that perhaps this was a big revelation. “Really?”

“Yeah,” he said. “It’s a girl, and her name is Marshmallow.”

Well, once Lauren confirmed that the milk man would not be a father again, she let Graham know, and he said, “I guess no Marshmallow, huh.”

Nope, no Marshmallow. Pretty sure God hasn’t revealed any child named Marshmallow to any parent, but it would make a great Bible story.

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