God Hears and Answers Prayers

A few months ago, I was listening to a radio show in which a woman discussed growing up Jewish but not believing. In adulthood, she had come back around to her faith. She recommended a particular technique for conversing with deity. She said to go out into nature, settle somewhere, and speak to deity without interruption for thirty straight minutes—don’t stop to listen and do it out loud. I thought, well, worth a shot.

I tried it about a week later. I found a log in the woods behind my house, sat on it, and spoke out loud to God for thirty straight minutes. I really emptied my mind. It was great. As I did it, I felt like answers to questions naturally came or rejoinders to dumb statements or whining were clear.

I did it again a couple months later—it was less successful but still seemed beneficial. Today, I found myself alone: Graham was at work and Lauren took her mother for manicures. I had been feeling kind of itchy about life, so I thought, I’m gonna go exploring, maybe artifact hunting, and I will do the thirty-minute thing while I’m at it. I picked a place where I had found artifacts before but where there were still tons of places to explore, and I headed out.

With two full hours to spend, I had the luxury of time. I started with the thirty minutes of out loud talking. This time? Well, nothing. It seemed like a grind, in fact. But not to worry, dear readers. God hears and answers prayers and it soon became clear what He was up to.

After the thirty minutes, I undertook my exploring. We have had three big storms in the last week. The area was flooded. I texted Lauren: This place is crazy flooded. Stream fords washed out, stretches of the trail impassable

I had to work back upstream on animal trails to find new fords or fallen trees to use as bridges. At last, I reached artifact-hunting places . . . only to find them so flooded that searching would be useless. I explored some other off trail areas, found some smaller trees, pulled up a few rocks that might be possibilities but tossed them all back. After ninety minutes, I started back. After ten minutes, I reached a flood plain that I had navigated around previously. I headed upstream until the rivulet narrowed. I had previously crossed it by going over a downed tree off of which I had nearly fallen. This time, I found a different log but just before I climbed onto it, I looked at the water’s width and thought, I can make that. And then I wouldn’t be risking falling off this wet log. I picked the narrowest area I could find, backed up, and started forward. Just as I went to leap, the thought occurred to me, That water is about six inches higher on the bank than I had judged.

Too late. I was airborne. I made it to the opposite bank fine, but I did not fall forward. Oh no. I hit, then crashed backward into the stream with a huge splash, my full body nearly immersed. In lonely humiliation, I pulled myself out of the stream. When I got to the top of the bank, I texted the Goons.

Me: I just tried to leap a stream and completely Wiener Ponded.

Lindsay: HAHA

Me: Totally soaked

And that’s when a voice said to me, See what happens when YOU pray.

God and I have a complicated relationship. Mostly, that involves me praying and then getting off my knees to find a Kick Me sign on my back.

I texted the Goons: This is how my prayers are answered, kids. Spent thirty straight minutes praying and God is like, “Oh, check this out, hosts of heaven. I got a good one.”

On my miserable walk back to the car wherein I moved quickly to stave off hypothermia, I could see in my mind’s eye all the white clothed hosts laughing and the white-bearded most radiant fellow wiping tears from His eyes from laughing so hard.

And look, I know what you’re thinking. Wasn’t that the Spirit telling you not to jump at the last second? I assume you can answer that for yourself. Definitely don’t bring up my own agency. Also, please draw no parallels to It’s a Wonderful Life and George getting punched in the face after his prayer. My version of Clarence stood at the laundry room entrance, watched me undress, and clearly questioned my sanity.

Obviously, there are many lessons to take from this.

1. Bring your dog hiking—you are less likely to take risks when you have him.

2. Definitely take no accountability for risks you took that God could have prevented.

3. If a man falls in a stream in the woods and no one else is around, he definitely makes noise.

And finally, Latter-Day Saints believe in Heavenly Parents. That is, if there is a Father, there is also a Mother. (Seriously, we all read The Da Vinci Code and were like, “Welcome, Catholics. We’ve been here for 150 years.”) We don’t know anything about our female parent and are discouraged from speculating about or praying to her. I’m gonna stretch that rule here by saying, I’ll bet as I toppled into the drink, She was the one soul who wasn’t laughing.

If you enjoy this, consider signing up to receive my free daily post. I recount the goings-on of the Laws in light-hearted fashion. It might be the one thing you read daily that makes you smile and think, “At least my life isn’t THAT.”