Welcome to the Goons, Brayden

Last year, through a variety of tragicomic circumstances, we were forced to replace a car. We opted for a small SUV, and one of its perks was that it has Apple CarPlay. This makes it far easier to deal with messages and calls hands-free. Lindsay and I took the new car on one of its first long trips. I forget where we were going and why just she and I were together, but we were in New York when our family group chat, The Goons, exploded with a flood of messages. I pushed a button and listened to the stream of messages. Then Siri asked me, “Would you like to reply to the Goons?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Okay! What would you like to say to the Goons, ogre, ogre?”

I said my message, and Siri sent it for me. But I sat there puzzling over what Siri had said to me. A reply came in. I had Siri read it.

“Would you like to reply to the Goons?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Okay! What would you like to say to the Goons, ogre, ogre?”

Again, I replied, but this time I audibly mumbled, “Why the hell do you keep calling me an ogre? What did I do to you?”

Lindsay snickered. “It’s the two ogre emojis in the group name, Dad.”

Here’s what the group name looks like:

“Well, she doesn’t say the emojis when she asks me if I want to reply,” I said.

“I was confused, too,” Lindsay said. “But then I figured it out. She’s not calling you an ogre. Even though you kind of are one.”

I did not make the name of the group—one of the kids did. I did not make the various names in the group. On each phone, we’re all different names, and it depends on what point in time the kids got their phones, when they connected to the iCloud account, and who changed what and when. On my phone, the people are as follows: Big Tree = Grant, Post Malone = Lucia, Robert Rage = Lindsay, Laurin = Lauren (another win for Wendy’s order takers for that one), Spongebob Grameemaw = Graham, Katy = Katy (the only person still in charge of her name). On Lauren’s phone, Lindsay is Chanchita, which is Spanish for Little Piggy (Grant changed her to that when he was home during the Covid interlude of his mission). On one of the girl’s phones, I am Grodarius Applebottom. These make for awesome Siri vocalizations: “What do you want to say to Big?” “What do you want to say to Post?” “What do you want to say to Spongebob?” “What do you want to say to Chanchita?”

Like any good mafia, The Goons is in by blood and out by blood. You’re either part of the original six OR you covenant to attach yourself to one of the original six—there’s no other way in, and once in, you can’t get out. Hence, Grant’s fiance and then wife Katy joined us last year, and as I noted yesterday, Brayden Becker joined us this year. The kids have not yet changed his name in the group, though Lucia frequently calls him “Bray.” I do not do this, though, because in print, anyway, when a donkey makes a loud noise, it “brays.” That, of course, leaves Brayden open to many terrible nicknames and emojis 🫏🫏 that the kids might apply, though they do all love him, so whatever it becomes will be affectionate.

Upon his introduction, Brayden showed immediate sound judgment. Good mafias have the underlings kiss the godfather’s ring; Brayden immediately checked out this blog and declared it “really good.” He also immediately sided with me in the night swimming dispute and contributed a strong Spongebob meme. He also fell victim to one of Lu’s awkward photos.

Lu and Brayden were doing some paperwork for the military related to their upcoming wedding. When this photo came through, it sparked this text exchange.

Me: Damn, Brayden. You can go a day without shooting up.

Lu: Brayden started signing where I’m supposed to sign. He wants to marry himself. They had to reprint.

Brayden: I was itching my eyes and it was all blurry😂😂😂

Me: Said every dope fiend everywhere.

Lauren: If you don’t love yourself, it’s hard to love others.

Brayden: Thank you

Lu: That was one of my best pics.

Beyond that, everyone assured him that he would crumble under interrogation from Lauren’s sister Lee who has more questions for anyone she meets than the CIA does for a Putin operative they’ve captured. She can’t admit to it, but it’s quite likely that Lee has worked at Gitmo. She claims that she is inquisitive because she is both interested and interesting and that only boring people get bored.

So welcome to the Goons, Brayden. May you survive this rough and tumble clan because really there’s no way out now.

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