Hills Worth Dying On

Just before Christmas, I bought myself a book on the Battle of Verdun in The Great War. I buy physical books for myself around Christmas, my Dad’s birthday, and the anniversary of his death as presents from him to me, so to speak. Verdun was a cataclysm nearly unmatched in the history of the world to that point. It lasted ten months and saw 700,000 casualties including 330,000 deaths. Part of the book’s argument is that, for both the Germans and French, the region was of secondary importance, neither side was likely to make progress, and both sides knew the pointlessness of continuing within a week of the battle’s start. Still, they both persisted for ten months and nearly three quarters of a million casualties. Why? The answer is book length but has something to do with ambition, stubbornness, politics, hubris, and an unwillingness to admit that the present course of action was a bad idea to begin with. And of course, these are generals making these calls in safety and spending lives like a thresher cuts wheat.

Of course, I am not these guys nor like them in the least. In no aspect of my life do I fall victim to any of these sins, nor would I ever persist in a fight that is pointless.

In unrelated news, about a decade ago when we were going with Lauren’s family to Maine, we would play Scattergories on various evenings. In one particular game, the category that came up was something related to sports, and we had to write down words that started with the letter N. If you wrote a word or phrase that no one else used, you got points. One of the words I chose was nightswimming. As I read my results, people mostly nodded, until someone said, “Wait, nightswimming? That’s not a thing. That’s not a word or even a phrase.”

This descended into a huge argument that involved me singing REM’s “Nightswimming” and still not prevailing.

So tonight, I was watching football and saw a trailer for the new horror flick Night Swim come up. That led to the following text brawl with Lauren, her sisters, and their mother.

Me: I would like to point out to all you losers that there is a new movie out called Night Swim and I demand my Scattergories points for the entry Night Swimming that you all disqualified

Mere: It appears that Gordon earned his PhD at the Erica Westman School of Grudges!!! Congrats Gordon!! 😜

Lisa: Wasn’t the category like a sport? Like night swimming as a sport? I stand by the earlier decision 👩‍⚖️

Mere: Gordon fits in well.

Lauren: If only we could get the replay camera

Me: You all said it wasn’t even a word or phrase

Lee: It’s definitely not a sport. Just like “Star Wars” isn’t a sport

Me: And I sang the REM song and you all pretended like it didn’t exist

Lee: Movie titles do not equal sporting events. An REM song about the sport of night swimming? You can have the point when it’s an Olympic sport

Me: Tell that to the girl playing Marco Polo who gets killed

Lee: Marco Polo is a game, not a sport

Me: Again, your argument wasn’t about it being a sport. It was that it wasn’t even a common word or phrase

Lee: It’s neither Gordon

Me: And now it’s a movie title

Lee: Let it go, let it go 🎶🎼🎵🎤 It’s ONLY a movie title

Me: I demand my points

Mere:

Lee: Gordon, are you looking forward to your trip to Hawaii?

Lauren: You should have included Erica

Lee: I think you could use the rest …

Me: There’s this link. Night swimming as a subset of swimming.

Me: Lisa’s day swims no longer count as workouts. Turn your watch off, Lisa. No credits for non-sports! Here’s another on night swimming exercises.

Lisa: Day swimming is a sport. It’s on the Olympics!

Me: I can keep pasting web sites here of people who apparently do non sport non word non phrase workouts at night … in oceans, pools, lakes, workout tubs. Where they extol the health benefits of their non sport non word non phrase activities

Lee: They don’t call it “day swimming” at Olympics – just swimming

Me: That doesn’t strengthen your argument. Both wrestling and softball have been voted in then out then in of the Olympics. Here’s the Journal of Health, Physical Education, and Recreation on how to conduct a proper Night Swim:

Me: I’d like to apologize on behalf of you to me. And that apology is NOT accepted:

Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer on SNL

Lee: lol Gordon we don’t accept your apology on our behalf

Well, all sides remain firmly entrenched. There has been no improvement in position for anyone in the last decade despite an accumulation of overwhelming evidence in my favor. I will be going to The Hague next. I hope this shows everyone out there that some hills are absolutely worth dying on.

If you enjoy this, consider signing up to receive my free daily post. I recount the goings-on of the Laws in light-hearted fashion. It might be the one thing you read daily that makes you smile and think, “At least my life isn’t THAT.”