Years ago, Grant had a buddy over to play. They went down to our basement and began raising royal hell, which was par for the two of them. At some point, the din got so loud that I went downstairs to make sure things were still intact. They weren’t. The boys were jumping off our futon and punching the drop-ceiling tiles. They had done this so well that they had punched through one already.
In one of my finest moments of parenting, I lost my mind. In the ensuing pandemonium, I seized a plastic sword Grant owned and exclaimed, “You destroy my stuff, I destroy your stuff!” and I cut the sword to pieces.
Later that night, Lauren said to me in a quiet moment, “I’m not saying you were wrong, but my mom bought him that sword at Disney on Ice.” Well, of course, that sword has been wielded against me for fifteen years and came home to roost finally this weekend. On Saturday night, we honored an ages-old tradition and took the whole family to Edaville—something we have done since Grant was two.
How to explain Edaville to non-New Englanders? It used to be a cranberry operation with trains that transported the harvest. Then, so many people liked the trains that the owners started offering rides for small fees. Eventually, that became the business. At Christmas, they put up 250,000 Christmas lights and drive coal-powered steam trains from 1911 around to look at the lights. They have some carnival rides, some kiddie roller coasters, fried dough, hot chocolate, and some indoor exhibits about cranberry picking. If you haven’t lived here, picture going to the kiddie land section of a Six Flags and it’s about twenty-five degrees. Ever tried riding the scrambler with a light snow biting your face? Traditions, people!
As we walked into the park on Saturday evening, we passed a store with a sign that read, “Be part of Edaville’s lights!” For sale were various light-up plastic items, including swords.
“I could get one of those, but Dad might cut it up,” said Grant.
“Only if you break my ceiling again.”
Quietly, Lauren and I conferred. Grant needed one or two more stocking gifts, so this would actually be a funny and good choice. After we rode the rides and the train, I slipped away from the family and bought the sword. I tucked its handle into the back of my pants and ran the “blade” under my sweatshirt and coat. Then I made sure to keep Grant in front of me the rest of the evening.
It was the second present he opened on Christmas Day, and when he did, he yelled, “The sword! Don’t cut it up, Dad!”
Grant won best reaction of Christmas morning, but Lauren came in a distant seventh. It started with her first present, a movie popcorn kit. Lauren loves movie popcorn, but as she turned the box over, she had no reaction until she mumbled half-heartedly, “Oh. I love movie popcorn.” Lindsay, who had provided the assist to Santa with this gift, said, “I mean, if you hate it, just say so.”
“No, I love it. I love movie popcorn.”
But there was no coming back. When she opened her second present, a shower accessory to wash her back, she exclaimed, “Oooooooohhhh!” and Lucia said, “That was the most fake enthusiasm I’ve ever heard.” And it was all downhill from there for her. The crowning moment came when she held up what was obviously a book and said, “Oooohhh, I’ll bet this is the Hunger Games Prequel,” and Lindsay, giver of the book, said, “Ugh! It’s not!” It was Jeanette McCurdy’s book.
Those reactions may not stick as much as the following image. Lucia has a unique ability to capture candid images at weirdly awkward moments. We had Christmas brunch with friends, and Lucia extracted Lauren out of one group image. “Mom is the Elf on the Shelf!”
Nevertheless, it was a great Christmas weekend and thus far, both the sword and our ceiling are intact.
His Smile Lit Up a Room and Other Things to Say at My Funeral 