But Was It Funny?

Lindsay returned home Sunday afternoon. Her arrival was full of tension—her plane was early, she was starving, she was full of rage at other passengers (she’s often full of rage), and we were running a bit late. We had no time after Church to eat lunch; we just changed clothes and dashed out the door. Because she wanted food, we stopped at Wendy’s near the freeway. I warned everyone ahead of time to have their order ready and not to be deciding while at the drive-through speaker, so everyone got Biggie Bags. Wendy’s swapped out Lindsay’s favorite salad for a Cobb salad, which ratcheted up the tension. As well, Lindsay is a french fries addict, so getting her something without fries was really testing all limits.

Lindsay wound up stranded at the curb for about ten minutes, which was tolerable since it was around fifty degrees. Getting her in the minivan triggered mad excitement from Dobby, but Lindsay found it unsatisfying in that he only gave her two kisses. The family generally believes that Dobby finds Lindsay to be disrespectful of his boundaries and very annoying; the evidence on this point is thin, but you wouldn’t know it from how the girls talk.

Mercifully, Lauren and I both skipped most of our fries, so we handed those over to Lindsay. The Cobb salad wasn’t ideal but was reasonable enough, especially when coupled with french fries. What has since followed has been intra-family savagery directed at anyone and everyone without regard to feelings. As I frequently say in the family, Our only ethic is, ‘But was it funny?’

At some point separate from the rest of us, Lindsay had revealed to Lucia that her group of college friends had voted on superlatives among their friend group.

“Did you know that Lindsay was voted ‘Worst Feet’?” Lu exclaimed during one of our family rides together.

“I don’t think that was necessary,” said Lindsay.

“It’s true, though.”

“Yes, it’s true, but we did not need to tell the family that.”

“I’m just saying that we’re not the only ones who know you have goblin feet,” said Lu.

“They also voted me most successful,” Lindsay said.

“Most Successful,” said Lu, “with Goblin Feet.”

“You know I can literally pound you into oblivion, right?”

“Poor Lu,” I said. “She has so many sensory issues. People chewing with their mouths open. How people cough. Feet.”

“That’s another thing,” said Lu. “Mom still has that cough, and when she gets going, it sounds like she’s going to hack up an intestine, not just her lungs.”

“It’s true,” said Lindsay. “It’s sooooo disgusting.”

“I can’t help how I cough,” said Lauren.

“Yes, you can!” said Lu. “No one coughs like you! You can help it!”

“I can’t, though. If I could, I would. Especially since it upsets you so much.”

“No, I think you do it on purpose because it upsets me so much.”

Later, when we were home, Lauren and Lucia were putting together the grocery list for the week, and Lauren said, “Put honey on the list. I think we’re out.”

Lu then said, “Dad is going to be soooo happy!”

“About what?” I said.

“You looooovvvee honey, Dad,” she said.

“Honey is fine. I wouldn’t say I looooovvve it. Not any more than other sweetener.”

“It’s true,” said Lindsay. “Dad loves honey more than life itself.”

“Where in the world does this come from?” I said.

“There’s honey mustard fried chicken,” said Lucia. “And Chick-Fil-A chicken minis? You love putting honey on those. And scones? Honey and butter are the best on scones. According to you.”

“Sure,” I said. “But that’s like saying I’m addicted to syrup because I like it on my pancakes.”

Lindsay then said, “This is how Dad is about getting honey. ‘Honey? YEEESSSS!'” And she tossed herself onto the floor, all four appendages in the air, and began shaking. “I LOVE HONEY!”

“That’s literally untrue,” I said. “I feel like we’re headed to wiener dog territory where you all said I love wiener dogs and then said I was actually a wiener dog.”

“You just love honey a lot,” said Lu. “That’s all.”

The next night, we went Christmas shopping in separate groups. I went with Lindsay. Lauren went with Lucia and Graham. Partway through, Lucia sent us this text and triggered this conversation.

Lucia: Graham just now: Lucia I don’t think anyone likes you.
Me: Wtf
Lu: It’s too funny for me to be offended
Graham: You know what they say, it’s not offensive if it’s funny.

That’s not at all what we say, but whatever. But it’s hard to fault Graham—for years, the girls have made Graham be their circus monkey. Graham has unique talents with his lips, and whenever the girls demand he perform, he obliges. The following, for example, is called “Vacuum.”

There’s also “Fish” and at least one or two others.

Finally, Lucia received a job offer from Deloitte the other day, and they invited her to tour their offices. She asked Lauren to ride into Boston with her to help find the office, navigate the traffic, and so forth. Lauren said, “Would you also like to take me around with you as your lumberjack mother?”

I laughed at that, and Lauren said, “Thank you for laughing. The girls did not think that was funny.”

But you know, joke’s on Lucia. Lauren sat across the street at a Starbucks and worked while Lu did the tour. Partway through, Lu’s guide brought her to that Starbucks, and Lu said, “I tried to pull a lauren and gordon at lock haven pretending to not know graham and i but ofc mom didn’t play it cool.”

Lauren: I just smiled at her. Instinct.

So Lu wound up having to introduce her mother to the highly competent Deloitte person who was leading her around.

“Did he seem to like lumberjacks?” I asked.

“Well, they didn’t rescind my offer,” said Lu.

Next time, don’t take the risk. Laugh at your mom’s jokes.