This is Lindsay and her boyfriend, Carson Smith. (Dobby is not Lindsay’s boyfriend no matter how much she begs.) Looks like a pleasant fellow, right? Nice smile, hugging Lindsay, good to Dobby, respectful to us.
It seems great, until you realize he’s wanted for questioning in connection with a homicide.
Let me rewind. When we first got to know Carson, he told us that he was from eastern Pennsylvania, that his family often vacationed in the Poconos, and I said, “Russ Buffalino’s stomping grounds, then.”
Carson shook his head. “No idea.”
“Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
“Russ Buffalino was the head of the Buffalino crime family, and he was based in eastern PA, operating out of Scranton. He vacationed in the Poconos. He had ties deep into Philly and New York. People said he was bigger than the Commission—that the heads of the Five Families sought his permission to do stuff.”
“Yeah, I don’t know about any of that,” Carson said.
“He did some time in the US Penitentiary in Lewisburg where Grant is playing football. They made it like a luxury dorm for him basically. When Marlon Brando wanted to know how to act as Vito Corleone in The Godfather, he called Russ Buffalino. At one point, Buffalino had partial control of Michael Jackson’s representation.”
Carson just shook his head. “I guess I don’t know my mob history.”
Lauren and Carson’s mother, Carrie, text each other almost daily. As we were driving home from dinner with friends the other night, Lauren got a text from Carrie. Suddenly, Lauren exclaimed, “Oh wow!” and then laughed.
“What’s that?” I said over the Christmas music playing in the car.
“The Pennsylvania state police just called the Smiths looking for Carson in connection with a homicide in Towanda.”
“What?” I said.
“She said it scared them shitless, but the officer wound up assuring them that he was sure it was nothing.”
“What happened?” I said.
“I don’t know exactly. I guess there was a murder at a pizza shop, and one of the witnesses gave ‘Carson Smith’ as a name to investigate. The officer said they were really sure he had just made up some names, but they had to confirm, and the first Carson Smith to come up in their database search was the one we all know and love.”
Well, that’s too good to leave alone. So as soon as we reached home, I started the following text chain with Lindsay, Carson, and Lauren.
Me:
Carson: No, I know nothing about Russ Buffalino and organized crime in eastern PA.
PA State Police to Carrie Smith: Hi, I need to speak with Carson Smith.
Carrie: Uh, sure. What about?
PA State Police: In connection with a homicide.
Lindsay: Dad🤦🏻♀️
Me: Look. Same beard even!
Lindsay: Dad🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Lauren: You ok carson? We love you and know you wouldn’t kill anyone.
Lindsay: Carson I’m so sorry
Carson: lol. i’m fine. i was just super confused at first. now it’s funny
Me: Lindsay, did he ask you to be his alibi?
Lindsay: yes i’m an accomplice to murder
Lauren: Lindsay is the most devoted.
Me: Don’t get married just to keep from testifying.
Lindsay: omg dad
Carson: lol
Me: I might be “omg dad” but Carson is “og dad.” He loves it when they call him Big Poppa
Lindsay: Idek what’s happening anymore
Carson: totally 100%. i’m a gangster
Sounds like a confession to me. Lindsay has a lot to think about. It’s hard to plan your future around someone in lockup.
His Smile Lit Up a Room and Other Things to Say at My Funeral 