What to Do if There’s No Toilet Paper

Right before bed on campouts was story and joke time. That’s when the man’s father would dig out Grandpa’s diary of jokes and off-color stories he had picked up while working on the railroads in southern Utah. So of course, when he takes his kids on their first campout to Titicut, he figures he will do the same.

They settle into their tent with Grant, age 6, on one side and Lucia, age 4, on the other.

“My dad used to tell me stories and jokes before bed on campouts, so what do you all want first.”

“I got one,” says Grant. “Why did the chicken cross the road?”

“To get to the other side?”

“To see the idiot. Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“The chicken.”

The man laughs. “That’s a good one.”

“Hush-my-daddy, you tell one,” says Lucia.

“Why do you call me ‘Hush-my-daddy’?”

“Cuz you talk too much.”

“Oh. Well maybe I should be quiet and let you tell jokes.”

She giggles. “No, you.”

“Ok, well, this is kind of a dirty joke. You can’t tell anyone, ok? Especially not your mother.”

Grant gets a huge smile. “Go on!”

“Two guys are on a road trip together. They stop at a gas station to use the restroom. The first guy goes into the restroom and comes out a few minutes later. He says, ‘There’s no toilet paper so I had to use a dollar bill instead.’ The other guy goes in and comes out a few minutes later with poo all over his hand. ‘What happened?’ says the first guy. ‘I told you there was no toilet paper.’ The second guy says, ‘Right. But I didn’t have a dollar bill so I used three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel.’”

Both kids laugh. Then Grant says, “Wait, why does he have poo on his hand?”

“He didn’t have a dollar so he wiped his bum with coins.”

Grant breaks up laughing again.

They are soon asleep. They wrap up camping on Saturday around mid morning. On Sunday, the man is back at Church for bishopric and ward council. Then at 9:25, he is up on the stand. He hears it before he notices his family in the pew.

Grant’s booming voice: “Sister Berry, my dad told me this joke. Two guys go to a bathroom together—”

Sister Berry is the primary president and she is sitting in front of Grant. There’s no time to hustle down.

“Grant!” he says loud enough to be heard over the prelude music.

Grant giggles, and now Katie Berry is looking at the man, grinning broadly.

“Go on, Grant,” she says.

“Well, one guy goes in and poops—”

“Grant, knock it off!”

“No, keep going!” says Katie.

“No, knock it off!”

Grant sinks back onto the pew laughing.

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