The Real Winner of the Battle of Antietam

On Thursday, I took the cousins and Graham to the Antietam National Battlefield, and oh boy. Before we went, I looked up some family ancestry. We picked someone from the Laws family tree and someone from the Settle family tree. Eli’s job was to learn all he could about Charles Foster Settle and the 5th Texas Infantry, and Emma’s job was to learn all she could about Joel Leander Chapin and the 16th Connecticut Infantry. Will was our map navigator, and the day was to be divided into an overview and auto tour for the first half of the day with a deep dive and hikes in the second half of the day. Lunch would be at the best restaurant in town—the gas station—and whine-free hikes would yield a trip to Nutter’s, the best ice cream in the area that somehow also has prices from the 1950s. This was a lot to ask of our non-intrepid explorers and things went off the rails almost immediately.

When we arrived at the visitors center, we watched the film narrated by James Earl Jones. I asked the kids some questions after, and Eli said, “I don’t respond well to moving pictures,” which is hilarious since he spent the day covertly playing Bike Race Simulator on his phone. We then went upstairs for a ranger presentation. The well-prepared gentleman handed out cloths loaded with chloroform and then started his presentation. When we woke up thirty minutes later, I realized the kids had learned nothing at all from it, so I stepped to the windows, used very small words, pointed out features of the landscape, and elicited positive understanding from the kids. Winning!

We went back down to the first ranger station, and Eli and Emma reluctantly but dutifully asked the young ranger on duty about their respective men and regiments. I told them to ask where on the field each regiment was during the fighting. He correctly noted the Burnside Bridge area for the 16th Connecticut. Then Eli asked about the 5th Texas, and he said, “They were Hood’s division, so they didn’t arrive until late in the afternoon from Harper’s Ferry. They were also near the Burnside Bridge.”

Well. That was 100% wrong, which of course led to perhaps the pinnacle achievement of my Civil War scholarship.

“Uh, pretty sure they came out of the West Woods,” I said.

“Oh yeah?” He looked through some source material and then said, “Yeah, you’re right.”

Naturally, I said, “Sir, I would like to have you speak with my wife.” Ha! No, I didn’t say that.

As map navigator, Will led us out toward stop 2 of the auto tour (the visitors center is stop 1). On our way, we paused for a completely appropriate and epic picture, as shown.

We also took a picture at the church itself. Then we stepped inside. Whoops! It turns out that the church was manned this day by an N95-mask-wearing volunteer German lady with a thick accent (the church was originally a German church). Catching the kids in this web was probably the greatest time of her day. She had roughly one hundred pictures of the church laid out on pews along with more religious and social information than anyone on earth. She was excellent, very well prepared, totally authentic, and way, way, way too much for our novice audience. It took roughly twenty minutes for me to extricate us.

Stop 3 is the beginning of the Union advance through the Miller Cornfield, which this year is growing corn. Very authentic! Great picture!

Know what else the Cornfield has? Pokémons! See, Pokémon Go is still actually a game and a thing and Will captured one worth 2500, whatever that means. I don’t know about you, but I celebrate those who fell to ensure we would forever be able to live free and use battlefields to capture Pokémons—way better than the alternative!

Then, it was on to the other side of the Cornfield. I warned Eli that he should keep his eyes peeled, that he might spot something related to Texas and the 5th Texas and the 1st Texas Brigade. Lo and behold, there it was! We gathered around it and got this gem! We discussed the charge of the 1st Texas Brigade, the 82.3% casualties of the lead regiment, the direction of the attack, and where we would hike in the second half of the day as part of our deep dive.

We rolled up to the Mumma farm, read the placards, and discussed how the battle now pivoted toward the center. Eli then said, “So where is the Texas Monument in all this?” Wtf. Will whirled on him, “Dude, Eli!”

“What?” Eli said.

“That sandstone monument where we all took a picture . . . ” I said.

“Oh man. I’m so dumb,” Eli said.

After the Mumma farm, I had the kids hike down to the Bloody Lane—the natural trench formed by heavy wagons. I went over a hill and out of sight, then marched into sight, so the kids could understand the Reverse Slope Defense and why sometimes an army might choose low ground.

Then, it was on to Burnside Bridge. To get there, you have to drive a bit longer than you do between other stops. There’s also a major road to cross. I asked navigator Will which way I should go at said road (you go straight across).

“Uh, left.”

“You sure about that?”

“No, right.”

“You sure about that?”

“No, left.”

“Really?”

“I don’t know!”

“If it were me, I might look up and see that auto tour sign straight ahead and say to drive straight.”

“What? There have been signs the whole way? I didn’t need to look at this map?!” Part of military training is learning to use the landscape!

Ha ha!

After the Burnside Bridge, we retired to the best restaurant in town: the AC&T gas station and its, uh, “world famous fried chicken.” The kids talked me into ordering the 20-piece chicken meal with four large sides. To be clear, that’s four pieces of chicken per person, and said people include Emma, who is lucky to eat one piece. Twelve would have been plenty. And yet, somehow, the boys wrecked all four sides and took down all but three pieces of chicken. Graham rated said famous chicken as on par with Church’s Chicken, which he scores as higher than KFC and lower than Popeye’s.

On to the hiking. We headed back to the Burnside Bridge area where we parked in the overflow parking and began applying sunscreen and bug spray in preparation for our hike to the monument of the 16th Connecticut. Applying sunscreen led to a discussion of ticks, Lyme disease, and so forth, and I showed the kids the Bell’s Palsy in my face from my first bout with Lyme (I’ve had it twice! See my home page and the picture with my crooked face).

About half a mile into the hike, the kids started seeing ticks on their shoes. This led to an utter meltdown with Will exclaiming, “I hate ticks! When are we getting out of this! OMG! Look at them! They’re everywhere!” This got Emma going.

“I got one tick one time on a high adventure trip for church. This is way, way worse! Argh! It’s on my shoelaces! Oh no! It’s on my leg!” Look at these tremendous pictures of the tick meltdown. In the culmination of the meltdown, Will bellowed, “How much longer on this fucking hike with all these fucking ticks?” I passed this along to his mother, grandmother, and all the grandkids, but it’s not like I can condemn anyone—Emma told her mom yesterday that she was amazed that I could swear more than her father. Oof.

At any rate, the Battle of Antietam (or Sharpsburg, as they say where I’m from) is thought to be a draw, but historians are wrong—the ticks won.

As we drove to the site of hike 2, I reminded everyone that ice cream was contingent upon whine-free hiking and that thus far Will had totally and completely failed. Will got through the next hike without whining but, as he said, “Only because I got no ticks on me not because I did better.”

We headed to Nutter’s where we got five enormous ice creams for $17. Herein we had the true lowlight of the day. When Eli ordered chocolate ice cream, the nice little old lady said, “Do you want hard ice cream or soft serve?” Eli stood there dumbfounded with literally no words.

“Hard ice cream,” I said at last for him.

Out at the car, I teased him about that, and he said, “I had no idea there was such a thing as soft ice cream. Isn’t all ice cream soft? How hard can ice cream be?” Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and there are also both hard ice cream and soft serve.

As we wrapped up the day, I asked the kids their thoughts on the day, and Will, age 18, said, “I learned more history today than in my entire school career combined.” Look, tremendous job by me, but Texas, I mean, come on.

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