On Sunday, I was in the front yard playing with Dobby when Lauren texted me.
L: I’m working on the grocery order for tomorrow. Do you need anything?
G: Chicken, steak tips, and vegetables. The stuff I use to prep for lunches.
L: Okay
Simple enough. I start off weeks by cutting up a bunch of vegetables and lean meats, which I can then whip up into quick meals with instant mashed potatoes or rice or whatever. It’s supposed to be healthier, though it’s doing nothing to improve my figure.
The grocery order came today, and I was in meetings, so Lauren nobly put it away without involving me (periodically, she tries to destroy my narrative that I do everything at home). She messaged me.
L: Sorry. I forgot to order your extra chicken and steak tips.
Okay. Not sure how the quality control department let that happen. But whatever, I figured I’d just have vegetable quesadillas or grilled cheese with vegetables on the side. So at lunch, I came upstairs, opened the fridge, and found a tiny bit of shredded cheddar cheese left . . . and nothing else—no lunch meat, no chicken, no steak tips, no other cheese. What we did have was roughly thirty-five zucchinis. I used the last bit of cheese to make a single veggie quesadilla, got a banana and some carrots, and sat down to eat. I then messaged Lauren.
G: We’re also out of cheese, so my options this week for lunch appear to be zucchinis.
L: Oh shoot. I guess I better go to the store. #failwithglory
Or I will get cheese from Porn Star. They sell cheese.
G: I get it. I’m fat. But I don’t think passive aggressively starving me is the answer.
L: That made me literally lol
Maybe you did, too, Reader. But you forget that Lauren is actively trying to kill me. The key is it must look accidental and unintentional. If my weight loss journey (0.6 lbs lost in six months so far!) gets too out of hand, well, you know what’s going on.
If you enjoy this, consider signing up to receive my free daily post. I recount the goings-on of the Laws in light-hearted fashion. It might be the one thing you read daily that makes you smile and think, “At least my life isn’t THAT.”
His Smile Lit Up a Room and Other Things to Say at My Funeral 