Jesus Runs for President

*The following is NOT one of my family stories but is literary fiction. It’s also satire and might offend the sensibilities of some.

This week on Politically Fit we sit down with Jesus Christ who this week announced his candidacy for President of the United States. The following interview has been lightly edited for clarity and brevity.

PF: Believers have been expecting you to come in clouds of glory and submit all enemies beneath your feet. Is this, in fact, your Second Coming or is that still to come?

JC: That’s still to come.

PF: If you’re capable of that, why run for president? Why not just come in your glory?

JC: Matt, as you know this is the most important election in the history of elections. It’s the most important election in the history of the greatest country ever on earth, and I am responding to the prayers of millions of people who have called upon me in faith to save this great nation.

PF: But why run? Why not just come in your glory?

JC: That’s a great question, Matt. If you look at my history, you will see that I am always testing people. They have their agency, the most precious gift I have given them. So let’s see how they use it.

PF: What does that mean exactly? What if people don’t vote for you?

JC: Every choice has consequences. Correct choices bring blessings. Incorrect choices bring destruction.

PF: Are you promising destruction for those who don’t vote for you?

JC: I’m not going to answer that fully, Matt. People need to act on faith and if they know for sure the results of their choices, they won’t exercise faith.

PF: But destruction is a possibility.

JC: You never can tell. I’ve been known to rain down fire and brimstone but also to accept abuse and crucifixion.

PF: Okay. Well let’s move to another topic. A vocal segment of the population says you are not eligible to run based on your not being born in this country.

JC: My filing paperwork lists Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, as my birth place.

PF: But you were born in present-day Israel.

JC: I am without beginning of days or end of years. So I was born wherever I say I was born.

PF: What if the elections commission and courts decide to disqualify you?

JC: Do you think that is the best idea for all involved?

PF: I guess I see your point.

JC: All choices have consequences and every knee shall bow and every tongue confess.

PF: I got that the first time.

JC: Milk before meat. I like to be sure. Unless you’re into parables.

PF: I appreciate that. Let’s talk about where you are polling strongly. Curiously, you have a lot of strength among independents, libertarians, and environmental voters. I would have thought you would do well among Christians.

JC: Why would you think that?

PF: They profess belief in you.

JC: Do they?

PF: That’s why they call themselves Christian.

JC: You make a wise point. I didn’t call them that. They came up with that.

PF: Do you disavow them as followers? One of your opponents has said that he is more Christian than Christ himself.

JC: What he said sums it up well, don’t you think?

PF: I suppose so. One of the things I think we are all anxious to know is your position on the culture wars.

JC: What do you mean by culture wars?

PF: Homosexuality, abortion, sex outside of marriage, those sorts of things.

JC: War is the operative word here. I’m against war.

PF: So you just want people to live in peace?

JC: I came not to bring peace but a sword.

PF: I don’t follow. I would think you would take the Bible’s position on something or clarify why we shouldn’t.

JC: How so?

PF: Well, the Bible is against homosexuality. It’s kind of fine with slavery. No one believes in slavery now, but our society is divided on homosexuality. What do we do with that?

JC: I didn’t write the Bible.

PF: Uh … hmm … purportedly you did. Or rather, you revealed it to people who wrote it.

JC: I didn’t write it.

PF: You can see the problem here.

JC: I see many problems here. The book says God cannot lie. I didn’t write it. Are you calling me a liar?

PF: Of course not. So Bible aside, could you clarify your position on culture war issues?

JC: No

PF: Hmm. Could you say why not?

JC: I could.

PF: Will you?

JC: All judgment is committed to me. At least according to the Bible.

PF: So?

JC: So I have a nearly infinite number of humans to judge with an infinite variation in levels of knowledge and experience over an infinite number of epochs.

PF: Why can you not articulate a clear position on these divisive issues?

JC: If you can’t understand how judging everyone and everything through infinite circumstances relates, I don’t think my explanations will help.

PF: I see. Let’s move on to some other meat and potatoes sorts of issues. Have our interpretations of the Second Amendment gone too far?

JC: My commandments don’t require amendments.

PF: I think some of what you say could be contradictory.

JC: How so?

PF: You command not to kill. But you have the Israelites slaughter entire civilizations. And you say you do not come to bring peace but a sword while also promising to leave peace, not as the world gives.

JC: I believe you are again quoting sources I didn’t write.

PF: You deny you said these things?

JC: Ever play the telephone game?

PF: Maybe you could take this moment to clarify your position for voters.

JC: This one is simple. Do not kill people. Unless I tell you to.

PF: Huh. I guess that’s part of the problem. Because a lot of people allege that you or their god commanded them to kill.

JC: How often do you think I’ve really done that?

PF: Less than alleged, I imagine.

JC: Absolutely.

PF: That’s a problem, isn’t it?

JC: For the person who gets it wrong, yes. If you believe I commanded you to kill someone, you’d better be right.

PF: But it’s a problem for people on the wrong end of the sword or gun, too, right? Do you feel obligated to do something about that?

JC: Like what? I mean, beyond what I’ve already done.

PF: It’s not like you’ve put a stop to it. Maybe you could try that?

JC: I already died for everyone and everything, which gives people the ability to do what they want. You’re forgetting agency and testing.

PF: But it’s not really fair, right?

JC: Right

PF: You don’t see that as a problem?

JC: I make it all up to people.

PF: How?

JC: Lots of mansions. Let’s move on. We’re talking politics not philosophy or spiritual matters.

PF: Okay, then. Let’s go to economic policy. Economic inequity is everywhere.

JC: It is.

PF: Should government fix that problem?

JC: Is it a problem?

PF: Grinding poverty is definitely a problem.

JC: If it’s harder for a rich man to enter heaven than to pass through the eye of a needle, I would think the poor have been given a great gift.

PF: You’re omniscient and omnipotent, right? You see what the poor struggle through. You really call that a gift?

JC: The first shall be last, and the last shall be first, right?

PF: You don’t think people should do something about it?

JC: Of course they should. What people do to the least of these my brethren, they do to me. I think it’s very clear how to solve the problem.

PF: If you win the election, would you say that you had a mandate to implement tax policy to cause a redistribution of wealth that you’re hinting at here?

JC: I said nothing about taxes.

PF: Okay, but that would help you meet that goal.

JC: The wealthy can redistribute anytime they want right now. There’s nothing to stop them.

PF: But nothing either to make them.

JC: They can always try to pass through the eye of a needle. I mean, if you believe that book, anyway.

PF: Are you saying you have no tax policy?

JC: Whose face is on the money?

PF: Washington, Lincoln, Jackson, and others

JC: Render to Caesar and all that.

PF: To be clear, you disavowed writing that.

JC: I am, in fact, the Word. I am the author of all good things. If a quote works, it’s mine.

PF: I see. Let’s talk immigration. A series of ads notes that you were, in fact, an immigrant.

JC: I wasn’t, though.

PF: But you fled to Egypt.

JC: According to that book. Look, the earth is my footstool. How can I be an immigrant on my own footstool?

PF: Are you saying you have no understanding of the plight of immigrants?

JC: I am God. I understand everything.

PF: What should we do about the immigrant crisis?

JC: Who says there is a crisis?

PF: It’s all the news media is talking about.

JC: I am the way, the truth. Not the media.

PF: So you don’t believe there is an immigration problem?

JC: I don’t believe anything. I know everything.

PF: Poor choice of words. So you are saying there is no immigration problem.

JC: The whole earth is mine. No one on it owns anything. If someone moves from one part of my property to another, how can I call that immigration?

PF: That’s theoretical, wouldn’t you say? We have governments and borders and crime and poverty and corruption.

JC: You’re implying I don’t understand the issue and that my description of the situation is unrealistic.

PF: No … well … never mind. What is the answer?

JC: People can solve this anytime they want. Or they can try to go through the eye of a needle.

PF: You keep saying that.

JC: I must mean it.

PF: Part of the problem with immigration is crime. What are your crime policies?

JC: I have commandments not policies.

PF: Well, then, what is to be done to those in violation of your commandments?

JC: That’s up to me, right?

PF: You intend to judge every individual and every case in America.

JC: No, I intend to judge all people and cases in the world.

PF: That’s not much of a policy.

JC: How are everyone else’s policies working out?

PF: Let’s do this. Let’s imagine you have been elected. What does day one look like?

JC: I join the communist party.

PF: I’m sorry?

JC: To become the leader of China, I can only be elected through the party. So I will join the party.

PF: Why would you want to become the leader of China?

JC: It’s the greatest country on earth. It has had the greatest dynasties in the history of the world. The art, the impact on philosophy, the appreciation of ancestry … you understand they get Elijah better than anyone, right?

PF: But you said this nation …

JC: It’s all in the eye of the beholder and the faith of the person praying. They pray, too, you know.

PF: I would think the American people expect you to serve as their president and not focus on becoming ruler of another country.

JC: Two things amuse me here: (1) you imply I can’t rule two nations at once as if I don’t already have the universe in my hands and (2) you suggest I misunderstand my power versus the power of the people, or in other words, you imply the latter has leverage.

PF: Do you intend to become leader of all countries? To take over the world?

JC: Do you see a problem with that?

PF: Seems a bit despotic is all.

JC: Think of it this way. That book I didn’t write says I’m gonna come and burn everyone and everything and rule everything anyway. But people can solve all their problems right now if they wish, and here’s your chance! You can start right now with your ballot. Choose the right when the choice is placed before you!