Your Big-Cheeked Butt Is Slappin

This morning, we got out of bed and stripped our sheets. Dobby, however, was not ready to roll, so Lauren snapped a photo of him and sent it to the Goons.

Lindsay responded instantly with Mood and That’s how I feel rn. A few moments later, she added, He looks so cheeked up in that picture.

Lauren: What does cheeked up mean?

Lindsay: Big butt

Lauren: Ohhh. He is cheeked up. Facto. A photo featuring his assets. Lol.

New hip vocabulary is always great news for Lauren. She is ruthless in her mockery, but subtle so that you get played. A few years ago, the kids all kept saying, “This dinner slaps” or “That horchata slaps,” so Lauren started saying, “The dinner I made was slappin.”

“Moooooommmm!” Lucia would say. “Oh my gosh.”

“What?” Lauren said.

“Nothing is slappin,” I said. “Slaps or slapped. That’s it.”

“That’s what makes it funny,” she said.

Pretty soon, slappin was the Laws family term. “Oh, that Sonic drink was so good!”

“Was it slappin?”

“Yes, definitely slappin.”

And we did that so often that Lu called us one day from Hawaii to say, “I just humiliated myself and it’s all your fault.”

“How so?” we said.

“I was with all my friends at lunch, and I made this drink mix from the soda machine and I said, ‘Try it. It’s slappin,’ and everyone looked at me like I had two heads. I. used. it. on. purpose. Like not even ironically. It’s all your fault. I sound like an old lady.”

So that was definitely a win for Gaslight Lauren. And now she’s hot on the trail again. Lindsay will be wrestling at NCAA regionals this weekend, so Lauren texted her later today and said, “Regionals’ big cheeked ass is about to get kicked.“

Which of course set off a round of angst and irritation from Lindsay. OMG that’s not how you use it.

Isn’t it, though, Lindsay? Give it a month or so and you may well be saying, “Big-cheeked ass” to someone only to melt in embarrassment. Try to remember, kids, how much you humiliated us in public over the years. I’m looking at you, Grant, who nearly destroyed True Value Hardware, and you, Lucia, who pooped in the Raynham Athletic Club pool and shut it down for the day, and you, Lindsay, who stole the ball from your own teammate so you could score a goal, and you, Graham, who hid one of your Crocs so you would have to go to preschool with only one shoe.

When you falter and misuse the word, let us know . . . I’m sure that moment will be slappin.

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