Brayden Was on a Boat

At 11:35 this morning, we got this text from Brayden: GOOOOOODDDDDD F—IN MORNING HAWAIIIIIIII.

So first of all, great job on the Good Morning Vietnam reference. And second, welcome back, Brayden! The USS Taylor Swift was in the process of pulling in to port, and Brayden and Lucia were to be reunited after six weeks. Plus, we would all get a million Insta memes from now on (and indeed, Brayden immediately sent this one and also this one).

My dispatch title today obviously draws from the famous Lonely Island song “I’m on a Boat” (that’s the uncensored version, Latter-Day Saints, which is frankly superior to the censored version . . . you know that you can subvert bad things like swearing by mocking them, right? Nevermind, as you were . . . ). There’s such a joyful insanity to the video, which takes down Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin,” Biggie’s “Hypnotize,” and a host of others, while also mocking W’s “Mission Accomplished” speech, Titanic, Kevin Garnett, and probably ten other things I’m not thinking of.

Why I thought of this is that soon after getting in, Brayden announced that Lu was to have the pleasure of shaving his mustache. Wait, what??? Lu has hated his mustache since it came into being. She has mocked it every which way but could never move him off his position of loving the ‘stache. When they went to Florida together over Christmas, his stepdad called him Bush Face . . . didn’t matter. Brayden had his principles and he was sticking to them.

So what happened to all those principles? Well, he was on a boat, see, and he had to pass Valentine’s Day alone on the boat, and he’s clearly in love and clearly got leveraged. See? Joyful insanity.

Brayden need not feel bad about this, though. I sent him the link of the story about our whale museum visit, and the link came up with my selfie against the New Bedford Harbor backdrop. And all I could see in my face was that of another guy, so I made a meme. I wasn’t actually on a boat but pretty close to it in a whale museum. See? Joyful insanity. Just look at those cheeks on those guys!

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