Everything Is Out to Get Me

Bear with me through a list of sorts. In the last six months, we’ve had to deal with the following.

• Old roof with shingles blowing off (had to replace it)
• Newish car that suffered what could have been a major engine failure (replaced the car)
• Screen door handle that refused to open (still not fixed)
• Leaky cold water faucet (just shut off the cold water in that sink for now)
• Rotting molding at some corners of the house (spring project)
• Dishwasher with leaky seal (using bowls for now)
• Ghost using the refrigerator water dispenser to flood the kitchen (clicking back to ice after every use)

Six weeks ago, we started smelling furnace exhaust in the living room. We called our furnace guy. He came over twice and improved the efficiency of the furnace markedly, which improved the output of exhaust, which filled the living room with far more exhaust. Why? We discovered it was coming back down the chimney flue. For now, I’ve sealed the fireplace with plastic wrap.

And yesterday, I got back from driving Graham to school, pushed the button to open the garage door, saw it rise halfway up, then stop. I pushed the button, the door descended. I pushed it again, it started up, and then it stopped again. I pushed it again, it went back down. I pushed it again, and then, it did nothing. I went into the house to see what was going on. I pushed the button, and the engine made noise but the chain didn’t move.

So today, the garage door guy came out for a quick ten-minute visit to announce that we need a new unit that he will go back and promptly order and which should be here in a week.

Why am I bellyaching to you about all this? For my entire life, I have known, KNOWN, that the inanimate world is not actually inanimate, and it is actually and in fact against me. This makes my life very, very difficult since I am mechanically inept. It fills me with a sense of helplessness and rage.

It fills Lauren with both consternation and great amusement. She has sometimes stumbled upon me trying to fix something, watched my frustration, and said, “Just set that down, and walk away before you destroy it or yourself or both or all of us.” She has also said, “Why do you fight everything so hard. Everything is not out to get you.“

Wrong. Everything is out to get me, but of course, admitting that would force Lauren into a tragic realization—she yoked herself to the HMS Disaster Magnet and thereby is onboard for every attempted sinking. Who can bear knowing that?

Look, just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean that everything is not out to get you. When I try to explain this to Lauren, she says unhelpful things like, “What is it like to be so important that you attract the notice and enmity of every single physical object in the universe?” That feels insulting to me.

I’m just trying to deal with reality here. I didn’t ask for it to be this way. You see what I’m saying, though, right? Right?

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