Days of Rage and Redemption

Yesterday was a day of rage and redemption. Across the land, the country was divided—howls of lamentation on the one hand; jeers, cheers, and joy on the other. And then, a level of symmetric justice was dealt, and balance was restored in the universe. Of course, I am not speaking of the Iowa caucuses nor of the Emmys. No. I am speaking of the Dallas Cowboys losing ignominiously to the Green Packers with the only bright spot being the Philadelphia Eagles mentally staying in the locker room while the Tampa Bay Buccaneers did whatever they wanted on the field.

Grant has followed and cheered on the Cowboys since he was a baby, though he grew up in New England and could have chosen to be the most spoiled of all child fans growing up. In his lifespan, until last week, the Patriots had one head coach, nine Super Bowl appearances, and six rings, while the Dallas Cowboys have had bupkis. So devoted is Grant that he plays for Bucknell on a team full of Eagles fans, a hated Cowboys rival, and he runs his mouth constantly. He has taught his wife to sing “Cry Eagles Cry,” and he knows the words of the whole song. When everyone was home for Christmas, Lindsay declared Grant “the King of the Worst Hot Takes.” Mainly because Grant’s hot takes are rooted solely in, For or against the Cowboys?

For example, the San Francisco 49ers are “ass” and “the fraudy whiners.” Brock Purdy? “Ass.” Fred Warner? “Ass.” Deebo Samuel? “Overrated. CeeDee Lamb is better.”

During the Cowboys v. Lions, I got texts like, “Why are we struggling with the Lions? They suck. They’re ass.”

“Well, their records says they’re not.”

“But they are.”

Naturally, this past Sunday as the Cowboys stood around watching while the Packers kicked their asses, Grant melted down. At least part of this meltdown has to do with the fact that he knew he would be in the weight room on Tuesday with a bunch of guys he had mouthed off to who would be riding him. My texts from him got so intolerable I finally had to say, “Raise your football talk game, please. You play the fucking game at nearly the highest level and your hot takes are, ‘That guy blows. And that guy blows. And that guy blows. And that guy blows.’ All because they’re not Cowboys.”

Because there is a God in His heavens, we did get a measure of solace. The Philadelphia Eagles got pantsed by an extremely mediocre Buccaneers team, causing Grant to exclaim, “Thank you lord to the highest glory!” and “I’m going to email president Nelson [LDS Church prophet] saying that is how I know the heavens are open.”

This morning, he had ammunition against his team’s Eagles’ fans.

Grant: One of my eagles teammates got so mad at me when I said we were in the same boat 😂. He was like,”you guys got embarrassed on national TV” I was like,”you guys lost to baker mayfield” 😂

But Grant did definitively take another L. Taylor Swift at Chiefs games drives him crazy, mostly because he doesn’t like Taylor Swift. He tried to tell me that she was ruining football to which I said, “I couldn’t care less what Taylor Swift does at football games.” Well, Grant also grew up liking Eminem, and God smiled on the Detroit Lions yesterday and gave all the Taylor haters an answer.

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