The New Myth of Porn Star Farms

The issue of ice cream is deadly serious in the Laws household. And yes, I say issue. Lauren, in particular, is a Massachusetts ice cream aficionado—she can go into just about any parlor from the South Shore to the North Shore and know exactly what the best flavor is and how to manipulate the system (for example, don’t want to overpay but want lots? order a kiddie but with two flavors). For more than two decades, Peaceful Meadows was the family go-to. Its main store in Whitman had a cow pasture and barn where you could visit the cows; they had the best Oreo ice cream and Oreo frappes; they made killer sundaes (Oreo ice cream, peanut butter sauce, crushed peanut butter cups, whipped cream, and a cherry). Equally important, they were open year-round, whereas a lot of local ice cream vendors are seasonal.

Then, this summer, the family owners announced they were closing and selling. We stopped at their smaller store in Plymouth in the late summer, and the workers told us that once they were out of ice cream at that location, they were closing. We mournfully ordered our last Peaceful Meadows sundaes and sat at Plymouth harbor and took sad pictures.

Then came redemption—a month or so later, local farm, milk supplier, and ice cream maker Hornstra Farms announced they had bought Peaceful Meadows. One of the kids misheard the name after the announcement and asked, “What is this Porn Star Farms all about?” Lauren worried that it wouldn’t be as good, but we went to the main location in Whitman to get eggnog and quarts of ice cream for our Christmas Eve celebration. We also bought outstanding milk and chocolate milk. The only downside was that they had no M&M ice cream, Lauren’s favorite. But they reported in the press that it was their number one request, and this month, they made it their Ice Cream of the Month.

So we went yesterday to get quarts for a family birthday party (our brother-in-law’s, to be specific). Lauren saw that they had M&M ice cream and loaded up. We also ordered an Oreo frappe to share. As we were driving home, well, our whole family history fell apart.

“I’m gonna say it,” Lauren said. “I think Porn Star Farms is better than Peaceful Meadows.”

“Wait, what?” I said.

“Yeah. I always thought Peaceful Meadows milk and ice cream tasted a little like hay,” she said.

“Okay, hold on,” I said, as we rolled toward a stop light. “For twenty-two years, we went to Peaceful Meadows, and you never once said that you thought their stuff tasted like hay.”

“I think Porn Star is better.”

“So when you go on this cruise in July with your sisters and some hot dude walks up to you in bikini bottoms, you’ll just be like, ‘I never loved my husband that much anyway.'”

“You mean, a speedo?”

“There’s no difference.”

“There is.”

“That’s not the point.”

“Sorry, what’s the point?” Lauren said.

“So some hot brain dead guy comes along, and instantly our marriage means nothing.”

“What does that have to do with whose ice cream is best?” Lauren said.

“You just rewrote the foundational ice cream story of our marriage and family in two sentences with a completely made-up complaint.”

“It wasn’t that Peaceful Meadows was no good. I just think Porn Star is better,” she said.

“No, no, no,” I said. “You said Peaceful Meadows tasted like hay. We brought our kids here since they were babies. They’d go see the cows in the barn, and Lucia was terrified of their mooing. And with the snap of your fingers, you just erased all of it.”

“I didn’t erase it.”

“You minimized it.”

“That has nothing to do with our marriage.”

“It does. If you can wipe out a foundational ice cream story, you can wipe out our marriage story.”

“They’re hardly the same thing.”

“I mean, your sister Lisa pines for Peaceful Meadows and wants to take special trips when she’s in town, and suddenly you’re like, ‘They weren’t that special anyway.'”

“That’s not what I said.”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“I really like Porn Star. And I really hope they make M&M ice cream permanent.”

The light had changed, and finally it was our turn. I eased forward, then turned left.

“Yeah, well, when you go with the girls on that cruise next summer, try to remember that we will have celebrated our twenty-fifth anniversary. Try not to throw all that overboard the first time you eat soft serve or see a hot pool hand.”

“You’re so ridiculous.”

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