Lauren’s father Leon used to sit down next to his grandkids and say, “Old people are the worst. Don’t hang out with them.”
They would giggle and say, “You’re right.”
“Fortunately, I never grew up, so you can hang with me,” he would say.
And this was mostly true—in his eighties, he had the sense of humor of a twelve-year-old boy. You never answered how tall you were near him because he would say, “I didn’t know they piled poop that high.” Best not to pull his finger either.
He also loved watching other people’s dramas, and he was known to cause a bit of drama now and again. He claimed to have been banned by the East Bridgewater post office—he had gone there to send a package, they had told him how much postage to put on it, and then they had returned it for insufficient postage. He had brought it back in and gotten into a fight with the whole office.
At age fifteen, Graham has the same teen boy humor, and he has inherited his grandfather’s keen eye for drama and the absurd. Graham had required track practice, so he had to stay in MA while we went to PA. He stayed with Lauren’s mother at Wingate, an assisted living place across the street from the high school. Yesterday, Grammie let us know Graham would be going on a field trip today with the Wingate residents. They would go to the Dollar Tree and to eat at Boston Tavern. Not only had he agreed, he seemed excited about it.
At the same time, we agreed with Lindsay to let her have a custody day with Dobby, and we would do the transfer today over dinner. Dobby is renowned within the family for being a top flight hunter, an elite runner, a world class wrestler with a trademarked double-paw pounce attack, and a Champions League-level soccer player.
The following is our text conversation.
Graham: The residents of wingate might be the worst customers in history
Me: A whole flock of Karens?
Graham: Yep
Lauren: lol
Graham: A bunch of old people asking for the dumbest special requests ever and we’re only on the drinks
Graham: Dave is asking for a Hawaiian pizza and they don’t have it
Lauren: Dobby was watching a novella with Katy this morning. Dobby is like, I LOVE the drama
Lindsay: Baby!
Graham: 2 meals have been sent back it’s like they want to get spit in their food
Lauren: What did you order?
Lauren: Ok Dobby
Lindsay: He’s just a baby.
Lindsay: Dob is doing hill sprints with me tomorrow
Graham: I got a burger.
Graham [Dave is known as the fish guy cuz he picks up women at Wingate by inviting them to watch the fish in his tank … he particularly tries to catch the fish mating … I am not making this up]: Dave tfg claims that they burned his pizza because the crust was black and the rest was perfectly cooked you know like a pizza should be
Lauren: What an adventure! Sounds like you are living in a progressive commercial.
Me [replying to Lindsay about hill sprints with Dobby]: Cuz you want to lose every rep?
Graham: Dobby is gonna be running diagonally and backwards so you can keep up
Lucia [about the suitcase pic]: Did he put himself in there?
Me: Yep
Lucia: He’s so funny😂
Lucia [talking about Dobby watching the telenova]: Dobby loves the tea. It’s a challenge, yk?
Lindsay [about hill sprints]: And Azariah is coming too
Lauren: Dobby the cat in Lewisburg!
Lucia: Why is his butt literally gigantic?
Lindsay: “Dobby isn’t allowed on the couch”
Lucia: He’s not allowed on Grant and Katy’s couch?
Lindsay: It’s brand new
Me: Well, Katy was sitting right there
Lauren: It’s an awesome couch
Me: I think it was Grant’s rule, because I have seen Katy pick Dobby up and put him on the couch. Obviously it’s not a real rule.
We talked with Graham later that evening. We asked about the rest of the field trip.
“Well, the Dollar Tree visit took twice as long as it should have because Dave wanted to price shop some stuff while ignoring the fact that the rest of us were baking on the bus cuz, you know, the bus had to be heated to about ninety-five degrees.”
“That’s rough,” Lauren said.
“Is it hot in Grammie’s apartment, or are you okay?” I asked.
“I mean, it’s warm for sure. Grammie has a Brita pitcher and I’m going through two of those every few hours. Grammie can’t keep it full.”
And as we had that conversation, we got this from Lindsay:
Lindsay: Shoutout to Dob for yakking.
Dobby and old people: the worst.
His Smile Lit Up a Room and Other Things to Say at My Funeral 